Essay 2.
"Why we are afraid?"
The next
day the young ones got up early, dreaming all night of the acres of
land, swimming pool and a huge screen TV. They called in the sage and
asked:"What happened next?"
The sage said that he does not know the future but he can look
into the past. One boy jumped up and said, "I was sent here in 2001."
"The Lashkar Ark 2001. I think I remember the story."
The sage took a deep puff on his water pipe and started:
"This is
SERIOUS!!!!! Listen children.
It is the year 2001 and the Shiekh of Sheerunistan (SOS) lives in the United
States. The Town of Sheerunistan. Go to Map quest and find out
near Interstate 95.
The Lord speaks to the Shiekh
and says: "In one year I am going to make it rain and cover the whole
earth with water until all is destroyed. But I want you to save the
righteous people and two of every kind of living thing on
the earth.
Therefore, I am commanding you to build an Ark." In a flash
of lightning,
God delivered the specifications for an Ark. Fearful and
trembling,
SOS took the plans and agreed to build the Ark. "Remember,"
said the Lord,
"You must complete the Ark and bring everything
aboard in one year." Exactly one year later, a fierce storm cloud
covered the earth and all the seas of the earth went into a tumult.
The Lord saw SOS sitting in his front yard weeping. "SOS." He
shouted,
"Where is the Ark?" "Lord please forgive me!" cried SOS.
"I
did my best but there were big problems. I had to teach also. Then the
thesis. First, I had to get a permit for construction and your plans did not
comply with the codes. I had to hire an engineering firm and redraw the
plans.
Then I got into a fight with OSHA over whether or not the
Ark needed a fire sprinkler system and floatation devices. Then my
neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning ordinances by building
the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city
planning commission. I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark,
because there was a ban on cutting trees to protect the Spotted Owl. I
finally convinced the US Forest Service that I needed the wood to
save the owls. However, the Fish and Wildlife Service won't let me catch
any owls. So, no owls. When I beam in there I turn into an Owl. How could SOS catch me?
The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to
negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Union. Now I have 16
carpenters on the Ark, but still no owls. When I started rounding up
the other animals, I got sued by an animal rights group. They
objected to me only taking two of each kind aboard. Just when I got the
suit dismissed, the EPA notified me that I could not complete the Ark
without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed
flood. They didn't take very kindly to the idea that they had no
jurisdiction over the conduct of the Creator of the universe. They did not even listen to the Lashkar. Then
the Army Corps of Engineers demanded a map of the proposed new flood
plain.
I sent them a globe. Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint
filed with the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission that I am
practicing discrimination by not taking godless, unbelieving people
aboard! The IRS has seized all my assets, claiming that I'm building the
Ark in preparation to flee the country to avoid paying taxes and showing my papers to ICE. I just
got a notice from the State that I owe some kind of user tax and failed to
register the Ark as a "recreational water craft". My degrees in economics
did not help .( They were fake but who can check the Lashkar). Finally the ACLU got the courts to issue an injunction against
further construction of the Ark, saying that since God is flooding
the earth, it is a religious event and therefore unconstitutional. I
really don't think I can finish the Ark for another 5 or 6 years!" SOS wailed.
The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine and the seas began to calm.